By Shari L. Shapiro
Executive Director, Kids In Crisis
The other day, I spoke with a friend who had just spent a week with her grandkids. She laughed as she told me how exhausted she was. “I used to think I raised three kids just fine,” she said, “but now I’m apparently doing everything wrong. I put the bib on backwards, I gave too many snacks, and I didn’t swaddle tight enough.”
We both smiled, but there was a tenderness behind it. Being a grandparent is one of life’s great joys. It can also be surprisingly hard.
At Kids In Crisis, we spend most of our time supporting young people and their parents. But lately, more and more, we’re hearing from grandparents, too. They’re asking good, heartfelt questions. “My daughter is really anxious. How do I help her without stepping on her toes?” “My son says I can’t drive the baby anywhere, even to the park. Should I be offended?” “How do I stay close to my grandkids when the rules keep changing?”
These are not small concerns. They are reminders that mental health is not just a teen or kid issue. It’s a whole family issue. Especially during summer, when school is out and families are spending more time together, the dynamics between generations can get complicated. And emotional.
There’s a quote from AARP that I think every grandparent should hear: “Your grandchild is not your child. Repeat, not your child.”
It’s tough love. But it’s true.
Our job as grandparents is to love deeply, support gently, and keep learning. We may have raised our kids decades ago, but that doesn’t mean we stop growing. Sometimes that means watching our adult children parent in ways that feel unfamiliar or even frustrating. Other times it means holding back on advice, even when we’re certain it would help.
One grandmother I know told me she bought a fancy musical toy for her granddaughter’s birthday. It sang, it lit up, it did a little dance. She was so excited to give it. But her daughter gently told her not to bring it. “We’re trying to cut back on noise and clutter,” she said. So the grandmother kept the toy at her house instead. And now, every time her granddaughter visits, they press the button together and giggle at the silly tune. It turned into a special tradition, not a point of tension.
These kinds of small adjustments can make all the difference.
Here are a few things we’ve seen help grandparents show up in ways that support mental health for the whole family:
- Ask your adult children how they’re doing, not just how the kids are doing.
New parents can feel overwhelmed, lonely, or unsure. A simple “How are you holding up?” can open the door to real conversation. Sometimes just being there without judgment is the greatest gift you can give. - Respect the parenting rules, even if they’re different from your own.
Yes, babies now sleep on their backs, use different car seats, and have new feeding schedules. You don’t have to understand it all, but you do have to follow it. Doing so builds trust and keeps everyone feeling safe. - Make space for connection, not perfection.
Reading a book together on the couch. Letting a toddler “help” you make cookies. Cheering from the sidelines at a soccer game. These are the moments that stick. Grandkids don’t need you to be an expert. They just need you to be there.
The truth is, none of us have this all figured out. We’re all navigating the push and pull of family life, the messy middle between wanting to help and knowing when to stay quiet. But what I’ve learned, both in my work and in my life, is that showing up with curiosity, patience, and love goes a long way.
And if you ever feel unsure, or if your family is facing something heavy, we’re here. The Kids In Crisis 24/7 Helpline is open to parents, grandparents, and caregivers, not just kids. Call us at 203-661-1911. Whether it’s a question about your grandchild’s behavior or just needing to talk something through, we will listen.
Families today are juggling so much. Mental health challenges, screen time worries, sleep struggles, and the ever-growing pressure to get it all right. But you don’t have to fix everything. You just have to be someone they can count on.
That’s what makes all the difference.
